When The Lion Called: Eight Years On

Eight years ago, on 26 November 2006, I nervously clicked on the "register" button for the online forum of a website called The Lion's Call, little knowing that it would change my life. I was fairly new to the world of the internet, my family having only gotten a dial-up connection at home in the January of that year. This was before the days of Facebook (at least it hadn't yet become a "thing", although MySpace was popular with my friends) and I was highly suspicious of signing up to anything that required giving out email addresses and other details. But this website, which I had been browsing recently, seemed like a friendly and safe site and it made clear that it was a Christian site and there were strict rules about minors being allowed to join and what could and could not be posted. I decided to risk it. In retrospect, I was a bit like Lucy Pevensie, taking those first cautious steps through the wardrobe into a woodland of snow and a great adventure.

The Lion's Call website (TLC) was created by Kristi Simonson for fans of C.S. Lewis' Chronicles of Narnia series and, apart from the discussion forum (which was what I was signing up to join) it had other interesting features including a character builder, some simple games, and write-in threads like "you know you're addicted to Narnia when...". The forum in those days was small and mainly involved discussions relating directly to the Chronicles of Narnia books, The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe film (which had been released just less than a year before) and speculations about the Prince Caspian film that would follow it. I think the first thing I ever posted on the forum was a comment on a discussion about what became of Susan Pevensie after the events of The Last Battle, something I had been thinking about a bit in the last year. The ideas I had had about that became the germ of my (still ongoing) fan fiction story about Susan, which one of the TLCers was to convince me to start four years later. After joining the forum, it became a regular ritual to visit the site when I got a chance and read and comment on the latest discussions.

In February of the following year, I started University and I would often visit TLC when I was dropped off early in the mornings before the library had opened and the computer LANs were not yet busy (few people had their own laptops in those days). As the years passed, the website grew, and the forum became larger and more active. We found that many members had more in common than just our interest in Narnia and we started discussions on other topics including other fantasy worlds (especially Tolkien and Middle Earth) and faith and religion. We also had many members who were budding writers of fiction or poetry and so forum threads started on discussing writing, and people would share whatever they were working on. The site developed well beyond Narnia and became a real community where people felt safe sharing even personal issues.

I had known from the start that the site also had a chat room, but I never went anywhere near that part of it. Chat rooms were dangerous and "evil"; my parents wouldn't approve and you weren't allowed visiting chat rooms on the university computers in any case.

But then in December 2010, four years after I joined, there were posts on the forum about a planned Day of Prayer to be held in the website's chat room. Enough things had changed by this point that I felt confident enough to venture into the chat room to join the prayer session: and by now I knew that I could trust the people on the site. Also, earlier that year we had finally upgraded to broadband internet at home and I now had my own netbook computer. I was also a whole lot older and (theoretically, at least) two degrees wiser.

Joining chat opened up a whole new chapter in my life. These people with whom I had only communicated remotely (by reading and responding to forum posts, often overnight, because of time differences) I could now "chat with" (using text) in real time. I also hadn't realised, but in the last year or so more and more of the discussions had moved over from the forum to the chat room (which would explain why the forum had become more quiet than it had been). More importantly, I got to know the other members on the site at a deeper level because we could ask and respond to more personal questions in a less formal and less public setting.

I joined TLC chat at a critical period of my life. I had been applying for scholarships to Oxford and the TLC community had played a large part in encouraging me through that process and praying for me (even before I joined chat). Being the shy, reserved person I am, this online community gave me a safe place to share my concerns and struggles (I had always been better at articulating my thoughts in writing than in speech).

In June 2011, I joined Facebook for the first time. By now, it had been confirmed that I was going to Oxford, and I wanted to be able to keep contact with my friends and family in South Africa. By this time, TLC, had developed something of a presence on Facebook as well and through that and private messages I became Facebook friends with some of the TLCers (cautiously, and only with those I trusted, because on TLC itself we were encouraged not to divulge private details). And for the first time the window was opened onto the "real lives" of many of my TLC friends - I got to learn their real names, see what they really looked like and learn a bit more about their lives outside of TLC.

Picture by Lily of Archenland

When I moved to Oxford, I was privileged to meet two TLCers in real life: a British girl, and an American lady, who was visiting the UK with her husband. I got to stay at the home of the British girl on a number of occasions and we have since become good friends.

It's impossible to describe all the things that have happened in these past eight years, but I wouldn't have missed them for the world. I am now a staff member on the website and editor for our news team. The social, spiritual and intellectual blessings gained from being part of the TLC community is something that can't be measured. I am eternally grateful that I clicked on that "register button" all those years ago.

The Magician's Nephew: Photographs

Summer Challenge '13

Forest of Dean, Gloucestershire

Beaumaris Castle, Anglesey

Worcester College, Oxford

Post House Party: On the Mountain Top and in the Low Country

Earlier this week, we had the annual OICCU (Oxford Inter-Colligiate Christian Union) retreat or "House Party". We had an awesome time spent in worship and prayer and hearing from God's word as we prepared for the term ahead and sought his will for how we should be serving him in Oxford as we planned for the mission week that will be held later this term. The post below is an edited version of something I wrote a few months ago on a passage from one of The Chronicles of Narnia. I hope it will be an encouragement to my brothers and sisters who were on House Party. The message and challenge is for me as much as anyone else.

“Remember, remember, remember the signs. Say them to yourself when you wake in the morning and when you lie down at night, and when you wake in the middle of the night … Here on the mountain I have spoken to you clearly: I will not often do so down in Narnia. Here on the mountain, the air is clear and your mind is clear; as you drop down into Narnia, the air will thicken. Take care it does not confuse your mind. And the signs which you have learned here will not look at all as you expect them to look when you meet them there. That is why it is important to know them by heart and pay no attention to appearances. Remember the signs and believe the signs. Nothing else matters.”  - Aslan in The Silver Chair by CS Lewis

The passage above comes from the beginning of the The Silver Chair. Jill Pole has followed her classmate Eustace Scrubb into Narnia. Eustace had been there before and after telling her about it the two hoped to get back into the magical world and thus escape from school bullies. Their "wish" is granted, though they later learn that it was not their desire to come so much as Aslan's need of them which brought them to Narnia. Instead of arriving in Narnia proper, they actually find themselves on a high mountain top which turns out to be part of Aslan's country (a place symbolic of heaven though with a more real physical presence in that world than heaven has in ours). Jill (partly though accident and partly through her own fault) finds herself alone in Aslan's country and has to face Aslan, the ruler and Christ-figure of Narnia on her own. He gives her instructions for a mission by which she and Eustace must search for and rescue Narnia's lost prince and heir. He tells her four signs which she must memorise that will guide them to the prince. After making her repeat them till she knows them off-by-heart, he gives her the warning above.

The most obvious "lesson" in this passage is that we should constantly immerse ourself in God's word and commands (pointing also to the importance of memorising scripture by heart), lest we forget what we know and believe about life and faith. But I think there is a secondary important point that Lewis teaches us here. Many of you will be familiar with the metaphor of “a mountain-top experience.” This refers to a point in time where everything is going well and we feel like we are “on top of the world.” In the Christian life, we use the phrase to describe times when we feel as though God has spoken to us clearly (not necessarily audibly, but in a manner which is unmistakeable). This very often happens on Christian camps or retreats, or in our case, House Parties. The sense of purpose, God’s purpose in our lives, is strong, and we feel like we could never doubt. We recommit our whole lives to God and vow to live wholly for him from now on.

But House Party is over, and as we find ourselves thrust back into the reality that is Oxford life, the "spiritual high" is likely to fade and all our convictions and resolutions with it. I’ve experienced it enough times to know this is inevitable. Someone wise once pointed out to me that this is both normal and healthy. We would not be able to function in everyday life if we were continually on a spiritual high. It would drain us and be unhelpful to both us and our service for God.

When I read the passage above a few months ago, where Aslan speaks to Jill on the high mountains of his own country, I couldn't help but see it as symbolic of the kind of mountain-top experiences we have from time to time, especially on occasions like House Party. I don't know if Lewis intended that metaphor but I do believe he was trying to impart an important lesson - especially when we read Aslan's warning to Jill:

"Here on the mountain I have spoken to you clearly: I will not often do so down in Narnia."

Isn't that true of the spiritual life? When we find ourselves in "the mountain tops" we hear God speaking to us clearly - but that is unusual and for most of life it is in more subtle ways that God communicates with and guides us. I think this is probably both part of his method of dealing with us, and because we let the business of life, like the "thickness of the air", confuse our minds.

Aslan’s warning to Jill was prophetic. Though he gave her every warning he could, when she got to Narnia she did allow the thick air to confuse her mind. The message and warnings of Aslan were not clear any more, and she allowed the cares of the road and their travel to distract her from “the only thing that mattered”.

By the time Jill and her companions (with whom she is tasked with sharing Aslan's message) find themselves at their first destination in the North, they have all but forgotten the signs that Aslan had given Jill for their mission. She had given up repeating them and they find themselves walking through the very place they are searching for completely unaware that they have found it. They are so taken up by rumours of a warm place to spend the night and hot baths and food that they not only miss the sign, but walk into what is almost a death trap. They had allowed their physical desires to interfere with remembering why they were there.

I think we are all aware of the danger as we get wrapped up in the stress of Oxford to forget the mission we felt God giving to us at House Party. But we are not without hope. As the antidote for Jill and her friends forgetting their mission was to repeat the signs daily, so we can remind ourselves of what God has called us to do by daily spending time in his word and prayer. I think another mistake that Jill and her friends made was that she tried to remember the signs on her own. While it is true that she had a better chance of remembering them well, as Aslan spent a good deal of time making her recite them over and over, had she only gotten her companions to join her in reciting daily, they might have stood a much better chance of remembering the signs together. And that is why Christian community is a good way of reminding ourselves of God's call on our lives. As we meet in college CUs and prayer meetings and take part in church activities, we are able to encourage one another and less likely to forget the clear calling we felt before.

This is also the reason we we need mountain top experiences (times when God speaks clearly to us) every now and again. But he does not do so all the time. The rest of the time it is our responsibility to make habits of spending time in God’s word, talking and praying to him, and reminding ourselves of his promises and commands. Or else the thickness of the air in the “low country” will confuse our minds and we will forget.

Thank God that in his grace, even when we are forgetful, he is still faithful and will nudge us back in the right direction. Aslan says to Jill, “Here on the mountain I have spoken to you clearly: I will not often do so down in Narnia,” and he keeps his word. Just when all hope is lost and the children have completely “muffed” the signs, Aslan appears to Jill in a dream to nudge her back in the right direction. In the same way, God does not always speak to us clearly as he does in “mountain top experiences”, but he will still speak to us in subtler ways, reminding us of what we have forgotten.

And so the lesson we can learn is this: God gives us moments of clarity when he speaks to us in an unmistakeable way. But for most of life, we live by faith and it is, in part, our responsibility to remember what he revealed on those mountain-tops by reminding ourselves daily. At the same time, God, in his grace, also speaks to us subtly. As a gentle father, he gives us hints to put us back on track when we have strayed. As you begin the term ahead with the memories of House Party still there but fading, do not despair. The emotional clarity might fade, but we have much opportunity to remind ourselves and be reminded by God and others of the mission he has given us.

The Silver Chair: Chapter 5

Puddleglum and Paxford

I don’t think I’ve met a single person who dislikes, or is even ambivalent, towards the character of Puddleglum. We wouldn’t say it to his face, but he is endearing. Part of this comes from his strength of character which we know about from later in the book, but I think even on first encounter there’s something immensely likeable about him. It seems a little odd that someone so annoyingly pessimistic is so likeable. And he is annoying, so much so that it is on the first day that Eustace turns to him, quite angry with “I don’t believe the whole thing can be quite so bad as you’re making out…” and after Puddleglum’s response that it’s good for him to put a good face on it he responds “Well if you think it’s so hopeless, I think you’d better stay behind!”

I think it is, in part, the ridiculousness of Puddleglum’s pessimism that makes him such a likeable character. His negative remarks are always so extreme that no one can quite take them seriously. No one, that is, but Puddleglum. He seems to be completely oblivious to just how ridiculous he is, and this adds to his appeal. He also has something of sense in his head, despite appearances to the contrary. We see this especially in the next chapter in his caution against trusting the Lady of the Green Kirtle and visiting Harfang. Unfortunately, his unrealistic pessimism plays against him here. The children are so sick of his negativity, they ignore his warnings and insist on visiting Harfang. “Oh bother his ideas! He’s always expecting the worst, and he’s always wrong.” Only this time he is not wrong. They have not yet learned to tell the difference between Puddleglum’s exaggerated grumbling and his serious warnings.

It is widely known that Puddleglum was inspired by a real life figure in Lewis’ life, Fred Paxford the long serving gardener and handyman at the Kilns. In the meetings of the Oxford CS Lewis Society last term, Fred Paxford came up twice in conversation. Once at the talk on Joy’s recently discovered poetry where Walter Hooper made reference to the fact that Paxford had been at least partly responsible for destroying many of Lewis’ papers on a bonfire after his death. He told Hooper he had one day to take what he could and that the rest was going on the bonfire. As a practical and non-scholarly man, I do not blame him entirely for this. Knowing how much paper notes and scribbles I acquire in a single term of study, I can only imagine how much stuff there was, and how it could have seemed to him that disposing of it was the only sensible thing to do. Doubtless much of what he destroyed was simply boring scribbles, though I do shudder to wonder what gems may have been destroyed along with them.

The second mention of Paxford came up at Douglas Gresham’s talk. It was with reference to Puddleglum, but I was interested in the wording he used. I always thought that the man had been a vague inspiration for Puddleglum, but Gresham said with insistency, “Puddleglum was Fred Paxford”. He may have been exaggerating, but since he had actually grown up knowing the man, I think we can probably trust such an assessment. Out of curiosity, therefore, I had a look at Gresham’s bibliographical work, Lenten Lands, in which he tells the story of what it was like growing up with Jack and Joy. I haven’t yet had a chance to read the book, but I suspected there would be some reference to Paxford in it.

I was not mistaken; the man is given his own chapter, albeit a short one. Douglas says of him, “Fred Paxford and I were friends - not associates, but friends…Fred was a countryman through and through, he knew the ways of animals and plants and he knew the ways of little boys.”

He goes on to describe a few of Fred’s characteristics. Not all are exactly the same as Puddleglum - except the fact that he seems as annoyingly exasperating (yet also endearing) as the marshwiggle. Apparently, he had a fondness for singing aloud as he worked - despite the fact that he could hardly keep a tune. What was most annoying about it was that he would sing aloud one or two lines, then continue in his head for a while, before breaking out at a later line in the song (only the timing and key of this later break out was completely unpredictable). Another annoying thing was his insistence at leaving vegetables to be picked until the last possible moment, sometimes only once they were over ripe (exasperating Douglas’ mother). He tells of how once, when it was Fred’s turn to do the cooking, he would not pick the cauliflower until the water had started boiling.

With reference to Puddleglum, Douglas says the following:

Fred was the ever cheerful eternal pessimist. The character of Puddleglum in The Silver Chair… is modelled directly upon Fred. “Good morning, Fred,” I might say. “Ah, looks loike rain afore lunch though, if’n it doan’t snow … or ’ail that is,” might well be his reply.

From Douglas’ account, Fred was a very humble man, and possibly completely unaware of the impact he had on the young boy’s life (and Lewis’). I wonder if he knew that he had inspired one of the most loved characters by readers of the Chronicles? I do hope Douglas told him, though I suspect he had no idea just how much Puddleglum is loved. After Lewis’ death, Douglas says, the man retired. He visited him once at his small home where he lived “in abject poverty”. Yet he seemed fully content with his life, and splashed out what little money he had to entertain his guest. He died not many years later, without anyone telling Gresham. He suspects there were not many who even marked his passing.

Gresham sums up his life saying

Fred Paxford was one of the finest, kindest and most Christian men I ever knew. He was my friend. He is gone and I miss him. I could never have told him so, but I loved him deeply.

It’s interesting that he describes him as being one of the “most Christian” men he knew. Looking at his life of hard work, “cheerful eternal pessimism” and his uneducated and sometimes uncouth language, I would not have expected him to be a good Christian example, not of the kind educated Lewis was. And yet in his way, he clearly had a strong and positive impact on Gresham’s life.

I think in this way too, he is like Puddleglum. Judging by his nature, eternal pessimism and grumpiness, although we like him, we don’t picture the marshwiggle as a great example of faith. Eustace reprimands him at the beginning saying, “I don’t think Aslan would ever have sent him if there was so little chance as all that.” But later on, we are to learn that behind his pessimistic grumpy exterior is a sturdy faith that is steadfast and able to withstand the witch’s best attempts at making them forget and deny Aslan. Puddleglum turns out to be one of the finest, kindest and most faithful to Aslan of marshwiggles the world of Narnia ever knew.

My New Oxford Hedgehogs

It's amazing how when people discover that you collect hedgehogs how your collection can grow without you even trying. Here are pictures of new hedgehogs I've been given (mainly for Christmas) or bought myself since arriving.

50p pendant and Cath Kidston pincushion - bought by me

£1 beanie from Thursday market bought by me

Harold the Hedgehog birthday cake - from M&S

Harold the Hedgehog birthday cake - from M&S

Sylvanian family - sent by family for Christmas

Christmas gifts from Sarah and Bethany

My hedgie display - decked out for Christmas

More Hedgehogs in Oxford

I went to Headington today to browse the charity shops. Here are a few more hedgehog things I found. I only bought the mug. The giant hedgie was only £5, but it would have been a challenge carrying him back to Oxford, difficult finding space in my room for him and impossible getting him back to SA :-P I was tempted by the slippers, but the heads are quite big and they felt like it would be difficult to walk in them.

Hedgie Slippers

The Giant Hedgehog

~ with regular sized mug

~ with my hand

My mug!

Hedgie riding tandem with a mouse

Baby's hedgehog toys

Hedgehogs in Oxford

Here are some pictures of hedgehogs and hedgehoggy things that I've seen around Oxford >'.'<

Advert for a cake made by Sinasbury's

I have since seen and eaten one of these

In shop window of Oxfam shop

At Boswells - a little too pricey for me

Also at Boswells

Hedgehog-kit - Also at Boswells

For sale at an antique & craft shop

At the Covered Market Hospice shop

No comment

Pin cushion - I might just buy one!

More brushes at Boswells

Mrs Tiggy!

Old collector's edition

PS I've changed this post to make the pictures easier to see. Hope you like them ^.^

It's the little things...

Reflections on blessings in my preparations for Oxford

Leaving home for the first time is never easy. And when it means, in addition, moving country, hemisphere and continent, it's all the more difficult.

Yet, I've noticed so many little things that have happened to make the transition and preparations easier. Below is a list of these little things. I can see God working daily, and constantly confirming and affirming decisions I make. It's these little things that give me the confidence that God is in control of my plans and helping me every step of the way.

When replying to the offer of a place at Worcester College in March, I had to give them a date by when I would know whether or not I had a scholarship. I had not been told when the Emma Smith scholarships would be awarded, but assumed they would be sorted out by the end of April. For some reason, however, I put down "end of May", just to be safe. After the delay caused by my application getting lost, that was exactly the date by which I could confirm that I had it.

One of the issues in applying for a place a Oxford, is that you have to choose a college on your application form. Other than having heard names of colleges that famous people belonged to (e.g. CS Lewis - Magdalen), my knowledge of Oxford colleges is poor, how can I make such a decision? In email communication with a lady from the Linguistics department, two colleges were recommended to me. Initially I was going to choose the other one, but after examining the college websites, had the sudden impression that I should choose Worcester instead. The next email I received confirmed that impression because the lady mentioned that Worcester was specifically keen on linguistics students. Worcester also happens to be very close to the linguistics department, meaning travelling to lectures will be easy. I have since been told that Worcester is one of the most beautiful colleges at Oxford - and well I believe that. It even has it's own lake! O.o

Another thing that had been worrying me about going to Oxford is health issues. I was uncertain whether or not I would need a medical aid (insurance) and how I would be able to get my chronic medication for my insomnia. It turns out that since my course is longer than 6 months, I qualify for NHS health care, and have nothing to worry about! :-)

Another major concern for me was finance. The scholarship I have been awarded is a little different to most in that you have to tell the committee how much money you need (as opposed to them having a fixed amount that they award). It's an amazing privilege to be able to do that, and is in itself a blessing. The scholarship covers fees, accommodation and living expenses. If it had not been a full scholarship, my family would hardly have been able to make up the difference. But drawing up your own budget it's also a frightening responsibility. Using information on the Oxford website and help from other Oxford scholars, I came up with a basic budget for my application form. When I received the acceptance letter from Worcester, it had an estimate of what my fees for the complete course would be. The amount was almost identical to that which I had calculated. Perfect confirmation that I was on the right track!

Once I was awarded the scholarship, I was then tasked with drawing up a more detailed budget for my first year of study, which, if approved, would be the amount given to me. I was worried, because the Financial Guarantee form requests proof of finance for both years, but my scholarship will only be renewed in the second year following a satisfactory academic report. I have since been told that this would not be a problem, as long as I could provide proof of finance for the first year. The revised (one-year) amount, once again was almost identical to that which I had requested for the first year.

It might have been just short, but the Rand-Pound exchange rate has dropped since I first made my application. At that time, the exchange was £1=R11.50; it is now £1=R11.00. That 50c makes a significant difference when you are dealing with such large amounts. As a matter of fact, the exchange rate has just dropped below 11 for the first time in months! Another one of those "little things" that makes a big difference ^.^

When my parents asked what I would like as a graduation present for this year, I asked for a camera to take with overseas. I had just been through the difficult process of finding a digital camera for my dad's 60th birthday, and knew it was no easy task finding the right one. We went on holiday to the 'Berg in the first week of June and I used my brother's old camera to take photos. I decided after that that I wanted a Canon because my brother's camera, despite its age, takes the most beautiful pictures. The next week, we found a Canon on special. Confirmation that that's the make I should get. I am extremely pleased with the camera I got.

My trip to Oxford is the first time that I will be flying in an aeroplane. Two things have already happened that mean I will not be taking that flight alone. To begin with, one of my friends from Church, may be flying to the UK in September. She says that if our schedules coincide, she will be happy to fly with me. That may not be necessary any more, though. My mother has just had a pension policy mature and been paid out a significant amount of money. There is enough to buy a ticket for my dad to fly over with me and help me settle in (and there will still be money left over for my mum's own use)!

One of the big issues when I get over there will be finding a church. I already have been promised an introduction to two different churches in Oxford. The friend in the aforementioned paragraph lived in the UK for a few years. She has a friend that lives in Oxford who is coming over to South Africa for a holiday in July/August. She has promised to introduce me to this girl who will in turn introduce me to the Brethren Assembly in Oxford. Another couple known to our family has promised to put me in contact with an evangelical Anglican church in Oxford.

These are some of the more major "little things" that have happened. There are many others: I have never owned one of those CD storage wallets, and was thinking I ought to get one rather than carting my CDs over in their separate boxes. Yesterday, I found a nice one for R15 on the throw-out table at Pick 'n Pay! A couple months ago, my brother got a new laptop. It came with an alternative cable with a UK plug end. I tested it the other day and it fits perfectly into my netbook's charger! I was looking for a travel bag the other day. Although I haven't bought my bag yet, it was a successful hunt and it turned out that one of my friends used to work in a luggage shop, and could give me some additional advice. The list goes on, and I'm sure this isn't the end.

Although the number of people who live in England whom I personally know is rather small, I have a really long list of contacts (more than I need). Many people who have heard I am going, have said: "Oh, I have a brother, uncle, sister, friend who lives in Oxford or London - I'll give you their contact details). I'm no longer even surprised when I hear something like that, or relating to any of the other countless "little things" that have happened. God is awesome in that he cares about every aspect of our lives. His omnipotence is made clear as he works through and cares about not only the big things, but the little things, like clothes I need to take, the bag I carry them in and the plug I use for my laptop.

What an amazing God we serve :-D

Secure in His hands

We had a wonderful Church service this morning. So much happened, I can't even recount it all. It was lots of little things that people said - the Spirit of God was moving.

The missionary Patrick Mulenga, shared with us a little of what the Lord has been doing in their church and then recounted the amazing story of how he was brought back from the brink of death that he might continue to serve the Lord. Glenn shared with us some small lessons from the lives of David and Solomon.

One of the most amazing things he pointed out is that when David ask if he could build a house - a temple - for the Lord, he was told by Nathan the prophet, "The Lord declares that he will make a house for you—a dynasty of kings! For when you die and are buried with your ancestors, I will raise up one of your descendants, your own offspring, and I will make his kingdom strong. He is the one who will build a house—a temple—for my name. And I will secure his royal throne forever. I will be his father, and he will be my son." (2 Sam 7:11-14a, NLT)

I always thought the prophesy was about Solomon, and it was, but it's also, more importantly, about Jesus, David's descendant who would "build the temple" three days after it was destroyed. Wow!

But before we even got to this part of the service, there was something else that spoke to me on a personal level, and it was in two of the songs which had been selected for us to sing. I share them below and what they meant to me...
__________________________________________________________________________

As I head off to Oxford in three months time, there is a lot for me to think and worry about. I am both excited and scared of everything that has to happen, and has to be done, and of what it will be like when I'm there. My fears are few, but real. The one is general paranoia that something will go wrong before I even get there. That an Icelandic volcano will erupt, cutting me off from Europe, or worse, leaving me stranded in some place like Dubai. I also fear how I will handle the cold and rain, after living in sunny sub-tropical climes my whole life.

Another of my fears is deeper, more spiritual. I've heard stories, enough to make this fear real - will my faith be enough to sustain me when I am off on my own, in an unknown place among unknown people? I've lived under the watchful eye of parents and church my entire life. Now I enter, the "big bad world", alone with temptations aplenty and those to hold me accountable few. I like to think that it will, that I am strong enough. I survived teenagehood and a secular university unscathed. I have not yet fallen down the path of rebellion which many Christians wander along at some point in their lives, if even for a little while. And so this continual fear hangs over my head every time I'm presented with a new challenge in my life. Will this be the time that I fall?

Only time will show my faith for what it really is, but I ask all my friends to uphold me in prayer. It seems almost a selfish request, that I should be spared when others aren't. Yet surely there is not harm in it: May I be spared once again.

As we sang this chorus this morning, I found the hope and strength I needed to allay these fears for a time, real though they may be:

If I rise on the wings of the dawn,

If I rest on the far side of the sea,

Even there, your arms will keep me warm,

Even there, your loving hand is sure to guide me.

The wings of a plane; an island, not only on the far side of the sea, but of the world; a place that will be far colder than anything I am used to. The words could not be more appropriate, had someone written the song especially for me. And what makes them extra special, is that the first two lines come straight from scripture (Psalm 139).I think this ought to become my key refrain, the words I say as I wake and sleep.

From your Spirit where can I go,

From your presence where can I flee,

You are there in the oceans far below,

I go up to the heavens,

You are there beside me.

You have searched and you see,

All of me, all of me,

I will give willingly,

All of me, all of me.

Oh, may those last two lines be true. Not only for the next two years, but for the rest of my life.

The next song we sang was equally appropriate:

I'm so secure,

You're here with me,

You stay the same,

Your love remains,

Here in my heart

So close, I believe

You're holding me now

In your hands I belong,

You'll never let me go.

May I feel and know the security I have in the Lord, and may I always stay safe 
in His hands.

The term is over!

Quite literally this time round. After four and a half years of studying at the same University, yesterday closed that chapter of my life.

As I left the exam hall yesterday evening, it occurred to me that the next exam I write will be in Oxford. Oxford! The idea still brings chills (both figurative and literal ;-)). I've referred in previous posts to going to Oxford as as a dream, but the dream is fast becoming a reality. I have four months to get everything ready. The thought of packing is especially scary. How do I decide what to take and what to leave behind? Do I buy stuff here and take it over, or wait and buy stuff there? So many questions, so much to do, but I am excited, and nervous and petrified O.O and impatient (all at the same time).

I'll never forget UKZN, even if I am in that beautiful place called Oxford. I'll miss my musty office, the winding passages of MTB, the clinical rooms of Shepstone, the freezing Classics museum, and most of all the beloved Library. That library was my second home and place of refuge for the first two years (before I had my own office), the views of the harbour and city were my constant companions (and what beautiful views they were). And the books in that Library. One of the first and most exciting things I discovered there was a three-volume complete set of The History of Middle Earth. After years of searching for the various volumes - there they were just sitting on the shelves. As I advanced in my studies I lost count of the number of books I borrowed. Even if they were (my lesser preference) non-fiction books, they contained treasure troves of Classical and Linguistic information. Some of those books (like the Loeb transtlations) hadn't been taken out in 30 years. Some weren't on the electronic system - but they were precious, and I always felt a thrill, leaving that Library with another treasured book (or pile of books) in my hands.

Then there's my lecturers, classmates, colleagues, students and friends. I'll miss them the most, but that's for another post on another day.

That stage of my life is over, and a new one awaits. New (and probably older) hallways, new libraries, new colleagues and friends. A new chapter is starting, even better than the one before, and I can't wait to live it...

Dear Lord, I praise you for the life you have given me and the adventures I have faced. Please keep me strong as a prepare for the next adventure. Be my guide and my light, and keep me safe by your side as I venture into the unknown. Never let me slip out of your hands, for you are my strength and salvation.

Seeds, death and fruit

Here's a little something I've been meaning to pen (uh..finger?) for a while. It's rambly and not well thought out nor well edited. But I thought it appropriate.

I made this simple graphics set for Easter on TLC. The verse had come to me about a week before, and I thought it suitable. Little did I know how appropriate this verse would be at that time. I made and put up this siggy on the day before Good Friday. It just so happened that it was also the day after I was told I would not get the scholarship to Oxford. My world was turned upside down and I wrote my thoughts and feelings at that moment in the piece entitled "When a dream dies". When I put up this set, the irony that I should have chosen this particular verse was not lost on me - but I chose to ignore it. I even posted a disclaimer stating that it had nothing to do with my current circumstances, which was true to a degree. I hadn't chosen the verse because of my circumstances, and I didn't really want to know about or accept the truth of this verse as it might apply to me at that particular point.

Of course God doesn't always worry about what we want. And this verse - being his very own words holds truth whether we choose to acknowledge it or not. God was speaking to me even though I was reluctant to hear it. While literally, this verse is looking forward to Jesus as the seed which would die to bring new life, it seems that it is a universal truth (one God was kind enough to place in the very fabric of nature for us as an example): to create beauty, or an improved life, a kind of struggle or death must take place first. The caterpillar must struggle its own way out of a cocoon before it emerges as a beautiful butterfly, a woman must experience excruciating pain to bring forth a new human life, and a seed must be buried in the ground and die before it can emerge as a life-giving plant.

I had a dream. I'm not big on having dreams, and in the context of the world, it wasn't the most audacious dream; but this was mine - the one I wanted and I felt it had been given to me as a gift, along with hope. Then, out of the blue and unexpectedly the dream died. It was stolen away from me and I was left with doubt and uncertainty and anger along with much confusion. But I'd said all along that my dream was in God's hands, for him to do with as he pleases. It's hard not to snatch it back out of his hands when you realise that he wants to do something different with it that what you had planned. But I bore my grief, I was well supported, and though it was very tough, I had no choice but to accept and watch as the Lord took my dead dream and buried it. I appreciated the fact that this happened at Easter. I think it was the first time I understood what the disciples must have gone through. Like them, I could not see how anything good might come out of this, and yet now, as it was then, Jesus' words held true.

The death of a seed leads to fruit. So too with the death of my dream. I'm still trying to figure out exactly what that fruit is, but there are a few signs I'm already seeing. When we plant a dead seed, we cannot always tell what type of fruit the plant will bear. Sometimes, like with nut trees, the fruit resembles the seed. Other times, the fruit takes an appearance which is startlingly different. Looking at the seed alone, one cannot tell. What you can almost always predict, though, is that the plant will bear more fruit than the one seed that produced it. In other words, a seed might be useful in itself. For example, it may contain elements that would be useful in health or industry. Burying such a seed seems like a waste - until you realise that its death, will bring about more fruit, and perhaps additional benefits (such as leaves with even more uses than the seed itself).

My dream died and was buried, but two weeks later a sprout formed, and then a shoot, followed by a single fruit - a nut-type seed that was identical to my original dream. In essence, my dream was restored to me - brought back to life. But the death resulted in more than just a restored seed. This plant has leaves and flowers with properties I'm only beginning to discover. One of them, was that it bore a second seed. If I had not watched my dream die, another girl may have had hers die forever. But now there is an extra seed. Dead seeds can multiply, and more can enjoy their fruit.

Other results of my dream dying are a renewed faith in God's supremacy, strengthened friendships with those who suffered alongside me, and especially the confidence and knowledge that my dream is really what I want, and the future I should seek. Only when something is taken away from you, with the possibility of no return, do you fully learn how much it means to you. If I had doubts about my dream before it died, they have vanished. The plant my dream bore has produced at least three new fruits: faith, love and hope. Faith in God's supremacy, the love of friends who supported me, and the hope of a dream renewed, with the knowledge that it is a real dream and not some fleeting fancy.

Woah...that got a lot longer than I intended, I guess I should wrap things up. And what better way to do so, than with our Lord's own words:

"Most assuredly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the ground and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies,it produces much grain. He who loves his life will lose it, and he who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. If anyone serves Me, let him follow Me; and where I am, there My servant will be also. If anyone serves Me, him My Father will honour." John 12:24-26

Thoughts from Sunday's Sermon

 Exodus 15:22-27 (NKJV, biblegateway.com)

So Moses brought Israel from the Red Sea; then they went out into the Wilderness of Shur. And they went three days in the wilderness and found no water. Now when they came to Marah, they could not drink the waters of Marah, for they were bitter. Therefore the name of it was called Marah.And the people complained against Moses, saying, “What shall we drink?” So he cried out to the LORD, and the LORD showed him a tree. When he cast it into the waters, the waters were made sweet.

As Christians we sometimes go through difficult times. Things are looking good; God may have just performed a miraculous miracle, then suddenly we find ourselves out in the wilderness and God seems to have abandoned us. We might find ourselves, is the Israelites did, in a place like Mara - a place which seems to promise refreshment and relief, yet when we bend down to take a sip of water, we find that it's a fraud. The water looks good to drink, but it is really bitter.

We go through various bitter periods in life. They hurt us and sting us, and we can't understand why God would allow this to happen. But he knows what he is doing. The Lord was teaching the Israelites to depend on him and not what the Wilderness offered. It was only he who could make the bitter sweet. And he did - in the most unexpected way.

So he cried out to the LORD, and the LORD showed him a tree. When he cast it into the waters, the waters were made sweet. 

A tree? The Lord told Moses to throw a tree in the water to make it sweet? Okay, maybe the translation's not quite accurate and it was a large branch - or a small sapling. But either way, God used something that seemed quite arbitrary, quite ordinary to remove the bitterness and replace it with sweetness. He has a habit of doing that. Of using the most unexpected person or event, to help us through our bitter experiences. It's a way of showing both his power and his love for us. The tree itself possessed no special properties with which it could sweeten water. This showed the Israelites that it was not nature, nor Moses' wisdom that cured the waters, but God's mighty strength which could use something useless, possibly even dead, to achieve his purpose.

There He made a statute and an ordinance for them, and there He tested them, and said, “If you diligently heed the voice of the LORD your God and do what is right in His sight, give ear to His commandments and keep all His statutes, I will put none of the diseases on you which I have brought on the Egyptians. For I am

the LORD who heals you.”

This was not the last test the Israelites would face, and not the last they would fail. Thank God that, as with the Israelites, he is willing to forgive us when we fail these tests. That despite the way we grumble at him, he still steps in, when the time is right, and makes the water's sweet.

A final thought. Perhaps it was not coincidence that the Lord used a tree to sweeten the waters of Mara. This was not the last time he would use a tree. There was another tree, this time a truly lifeless piece of wood, that would be used not only to sweeten the worst bitterness in our lives - that brought about by sin and death - but to bring life to all who will believe.

God's word is alive, and very little ever happens by coincidence. May the Waters of Mara remind us of this as we go through our daily life, with it's bitterness, difficulties and unexpected blessings.

Then they came to Elim, where there were twelve wells of water and seventy palm trees; so they camped there by the waters.

Words of Comfort

So I've now written a couple of pieces about how I've been feeling lately, my fears and struggles and doubts. But this time hasn't been all bad. I've had much comfort and encouragement from various people. This post is a tribute (and reminder to myself) of those words of comfort.

Words of wisdom from TLC friends

From BioMum

It is so hard when a dream dies. A little part of you dies too. Over the years, I have folded away many dreams...I don't think it is wrong to grieve as long as you do not become angry or bitter at God. Hold out your pain and grief to Him and ask Him to comfort and keep you through this time. All through your writing, you are affirming the truths you know. Even though you do not know yet why this dream has to be put away, you know the One who holds the future. And He knows you.

From Violamom

I, too, could count several killed dreams, sudden shocks, out-of-the-blue lightening bolts in my life--and without exception, they all were used by the Lord (on all levels) to deepen and strengthen my faith. The grieving you are experiencing right now is part of the process, and completely normal. So do NOT beat yourself up!! You are doing all the right things...you are grounded in the Truth, and I encourage you to walk by faith, not by sight. Keep pouring out your heart to your Shepherd--He's been there, and knows all you are feeling, and He can handle whatever anger and doubt and hurt you want to hurl at Him. And you already know we're here for you, too, and our friendship is just the tiniest glimpse of His massive affection for you.

From Petra

I've been mulling over a response to this for some time now. You'd think words would come easy to a linguist, but it's quite the opposite, more often than not.

I suppose the best thing I can say is to remember the art of a mosaic - something had to be dashed to pieces first in order for it to take shape. And no matter what shape it takes, there is always still something of the beauty and the wonder of what was broken there within its depths - it simply manifests itself differently, with a new beauty and wonder all its own.

Few know better than a hedgehog that a prickly and painful exterior can hide something sweet and wonderful beneath it.

 

From Emperor's Child

When Edmund and Lucy found themselves on the Dawn Treader, they probably really wished they could have left their cousin behind. But those of us who know Aslan's plan for that voyage are very glad, even for their sakes, that they didn't get their way in the matter. Someday, when you know the whole story, you will be glad you didn't get this scholarship.

From Queen Lucy of Narnia (citing God's Smuggler)

"We don't know where we're going but–"
"But we're glad we're going there together."

Encouragement from God's Word

Cited by BioMum

Psalm 34:18
The LORD is near to the brokenhearted
And saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalm 131 Childlike Trust in the LORD.
A Song of Ascents, of David.
1 O LORD, my heart is not proud, nor my eyes haughty;
Nor do I involve myself in great matters,
Or in things too difficult for me.
2 Surely I have composed and quieted my soul;
Like a weaned child rests against his mother,
My soul is like a weaned child within me.
3 O Israel, hope in the LORD
From this time forth and forever.

Cited by Emperor's Child

What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things? Who shall bring a charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies. Who is he who condemns? It is Christ who died, and furthermore is also risen, who is even at the right hand of God, who also makes intercession for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? As it is written: "For Your sake we are killed all day long; We are accounted as sheep for the slaughter." Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:31-39)

Cited by BecauseofHim

Gracious is the LORD, and righteous; Yes, our God is merciful. For I know that the LORD is great, and our Lord is above all gods. Whatever the LORD pleases He does. All things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. As for God, His way is perfect; the word of the Lord is proven; He is a shield to all who trust in Him. He does great things which we cannot comprehend. As for the Almighty, we cannot find Him; He is excellent in power in judgment and abundant justice; He does not oppress. "For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor your ways My ways," says the LORD. "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts." The refining pot is for silver and the furnace for gold, but the Lord tests the hearts. The LORD will perfect that which concerns me; Your mercy, O LORD, endures forever; do not forsake the works of Your hands. But what things were gain to me, these I have counted loss for Christ. Yet indeed I also count all things loss for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them as rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in Him, not having my own righteousness, which is from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which is from God by faith; that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death.

Thanks to all who have shared these words of comfort with me. Thanks also to Steward and Niffum and others on TLC chat who have comforted me in discussions, or through your silent encouragement and prayers. You have been lifting and sustaining me through this time and helped me to keep my heart grounded in my Lord.

Two Songs

Casting Crowns has been my favourite band for a long time. I have all of their (original - not live) CDs and was most disappointed when they came to South Africa but missed my city. Possibly my favourite CD of theirs is The Altar and the Door, though honestly, it is hard to choose.

I was thinking about yesterday's post, and realised that I am in the position described by their song "Somewhere in the Middle". For copyright purposes I shan't quote the whole song, but below are some relevant lines:

Somewhere between who I was and who you're making me...
Somewhere between my heart and my hands
Somewhere between my faith and my plans...
Somewhere between contented peace and always wanting more
Somewhere in the middle You’ll find me...

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control?

Fearless warriors in a picket fence, reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middle
With eyes wide open to the differences,
The God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle?

And it seems that that is exactly where I am. I know what I should do, but my own will is resisting it. The last two lines give the answer I need:

Lord, I feel You in this place and I know You’re by my side
Loving me even on these nights when I’m caught in the middle

You can find the lyrics to the whole song here 

There's another song that's been going around in my head during this time. It's from Ocean Eyes by Owl City, whom I recently discovered. I only have this one of his CDs, but I enjoy listening to it very much. The words I keep thinking are from the last song on the CD, "Tidal Wave".

I forget the last time I felt brave
I just recall insecurity
’Cause it came down like a tidal wave
And sorrow swept over me
Then I was given grace and love
I was blind but now I can see
’Cause I found a new hope from above
And courage swept over me

It hurts just to wake up whenever you’re wearing thin
Alone on the outside, so tired of looking in
The end is uncertain and I’ve never been so afraid
But I don’t need a telescope to see that there’s hope and that makes me feel brave 

You can find the lyrics to the whole song here

There's something about music, that encourages and uplifts the soul - Casting Crowns and Owl City both have a gift for song writing - a way with language which expresses truths accurately. These two songs remind me that I'm not alone in what I'm going through. Many others go through the exact same thoughts and feelings. Even other Christians, who to all appearances are successful and prosperous musicians, go through the same kind of struggles and doubts. I'm not alone - and that makes be feel brave.