It's the little things...

Reflections on blessings in my preparations for Oxford

Leaving home for the first time is never easy. And when it means, in addition, moving country, hemisphere and continent, it's all the more difficult.

Yet, I've noticed so many little things that have happened to make the transition and preparations easier. Below is a list of these little things. I can see God working daily, and constantly confirming and affirming decisions I make. It's these little things that give me the confidence that God is in control of my plans and helping me every step of the way.

When replying to the offer of a place at Worcester College in March, I had to give them a date by when I would know whether or not I had a scholarship. I had not been told when the Emma Smith scholarships would be awarded, but assumed they would be sorted out by the end of April. For some reason, however, I put down "end of May", just to be safe. After the delay caused by my application getting lost, that was exactly the date by which I could confirm that I had it.

One of the issues in applying for a place a Oxford, is that you have to choose a college on your application form. Other than having heard names of colleges that famous people belonged to (e.g. CS Lewis - Magdalen), my knowledge of Oxford colleges is poor, how can I make such a decision? In email communication with a lady from the Linguistics department, two colleges were recommended to me. Initially I was going to choose the other one, but after examining the college websites, had the sudden impression that I should choose Worcester instead. The next email I received confirmed that impression because the lady mentioned that Worcester was specifically keen on linguistics students. Worcester also happens to be very close to the linguistics department, meaning travelling to lectures will be easy. I have since been told that Worcester is one of the most beautiful colleges at Oxford - and well I believe that. It even has it's own lake! O.o

Another thing that had been worrying me about going to Oxford is health issues. I was uncertain whether or not I would need a medical aid (insurance) and how I would be able to get my chronic medication for my insomnia. It turns out that since my course is longer than 6 months, I qualify for NHS health care, and have nothing to worry about! :-)

Another major concern for me was finance. The scholarship I have been awarded is a little different to most in that you have to tell the committee how much money you need (as opposed to them having a fixed amount that they award). It's an amazing privilege to be able to do that, and is in itself a blessing. The scholarship covers fees, accommodation and living expenses. If it had not been a full scholarship, my family would hardly have been able to make up the difference. But drawing up your own budget it's also a frightening responsibility. Using information on the Oxford website and help from other Oxford scholars, I came up with a basic budget for my application form. When I received the acceptance letter from Worcester, it had an estimate of what my fees for the complete course would be. The amount was almost identical to that which I had calculated. Perfect confirmation that I was on the right track!

Once I was awarded the scholarship, I was then tasked with drawing up a more detailed budget for my first year of study, which, if approved, would be the amount given to me. I was worried, because the Financial Guarantee form requests proof of finance for both years, but my scholarship will only be renewed in the second year following a satisfactory academic report. I have since been told that this would not be a problem, as long as I could provide proof of finance for the first year. The revised (one-year) amount, once again was almost identical to that which I had requested for the first year.

It might have been just short, but the Rand-Pound exchange rate has dropped since I first made my application. At that time, the exchange was £1=R11.50; it is now £1=R11.00. That 50c makes a significant difference when you are dealing with such large amounts. As a matter of fact, the exchange rate has just dropped below 11 for the first time in months! Another one of those "little things" that makes a big difference ^.^

When my parents asked what I would like as a graduation present for this year, I asked for a camera to take with overseas. I had just been through the difficult process of finding a digital camera for my dad's 60th birthday, and knew it was no easy task finding the right one. We went on holiday to the 'Berg in the first week of June and I used my brother's old camera to take photos. I decided after that that I wanted a Canon because my brother's camera, despite its age, takes the most beautiful pictures. The next week, we found a Canon on special. Confirmation that that's the make I should get. I am extremely pleased with the camera I got.

My trip to Oxford is the first time that I will be flying in an aeroplane. Two things have already happened that mean I will not be taking that flight alone. To begin with, one of my friends from Church, may be flying to the UK in September. She says that if our schedules coincide, she will be happy to fly with me. That may not be necessary any more, though. My mother has just had a pension policy mature and been paid out a significant amount of money. There is enough to buy a ticket for my dad to fly over with me and help me settle in (and there will still be money left over for my mum's own use)!

One of the big issues when I get over there will be finding a church. I already have been promised an introduction to two different churches in Oxford. The friend in the aforementioned paragraph lived in the UK for a few years. She has a friend that lives in Oxford who is coming over to South Africa for a holiday in July/August. She has promised to introduce me to this girl who will in turn introduce me to the Brethren Assembly in Oxford. Another couple known to our family has promised to put me in contact with an evangelical Anglican church in Oxford.

These are some of the more major "little things" that have happened. There are many others: I have never owned one of those CD storage wallets, and was thinking I ought to get one rather than carting my CDs over in their separate boxes. Yesterday, I found a nice one for R15 on the throw-out table at Pick 'n Pay! A couple months ago, my brother got a new laptop. It came with an alternative cable with a UK plug end. I tested it the other day and it fits perfectly into my netbook's charger! I was looking for a travel bag the other day. Although I haven't bought my bag yet, it was a successful hunt and it turned out that one of my friends used to work in a luggage shop, and could give me some additional advice. The list goes on, and I'm sure this isn't the end.

Although the number of people who live in England whom I personally know is rather small, I have a really long list of contacts (more than I need). Many people who have heard I am going, have said: "Oh, I have a brother, uncle, sister, friend who lives in Oxford or London - I'll give you their contact details). I'm no longer even surprised when I hear something like that, or relating to any of the other countless "little things" that have happened. God is awesome in that he cares about every aspect of our lives. His omnipotence is made clear as he works through and cares about not only the big things, but the little things, like clothes I need to take, the bag I carry them in and the plug I use for my laptop.

What an amazing God we serve :-D

Secure in His hands

We had a wonderful Church service this morning. So much happened, I can't even recount it all. It was lots of little things that people said - the Spirit of God was moving.

The missionary Patrick Mulenga, shared with us a little of what the Lord has been doing in their church and then recounted the amazing story of how he was brought back from the brink of death that he might continue to serve the Lord. Glenn shared with us some small lessons from the lives of David and Solomon.

One of the most amazing things he pointed out is that when David ask if he could build a house - a temple - for the Lord, he was told by Nathan the prophet, "The Lord declares that he will make a house for you—a dynasty of kings! For when you die and are buried with your ancestors, I will raise up one of your descendants, your own offspring, and I will make his kingdom strong. He is the one who will build a house—a temple—for my name. And I will secure his royal throne forever. I will be his father, and he will be my son." (2 Sam 7:11-14a, NLT)

I always thought the prophesy was about Solomon, and it was, but it's also, more importantly, about Jesus, David's descendant who would "build the temple" three days after it was destroyed. Wow!

But before we even got to this part of the service, there was something else that spoke to me on a personal level, and it was in two of the songs which had been selected for us to sing. I share them below and what they meant to me...
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As I head off to Oxford in three months time, there is a lot for me to think and worry about. I am both excited and scared of everything that has to happen, and has to be done, and of what it will be like when I'm there. My fears are few, but real. The one is general paranoia that something will go wrong before I even get there. That an Icelandic volcano will erupt, cutting me off from Europe, or worse, leaving me stranded in some place like Dubai. I also fear how I will handle the cold and rain, after living in sunny sub-tropical climes my whole life.

Another of my fears is deeper, more spiritual. I've heard stories, enough to make this fear real - will my faith be enough to sustain me when I am off on my own, in an unknown place among unknown people? I've lived under the watchful eye of parents and church my entire life. Now I enter, the "big bad world", alone with temptations aplenty and those to hold me accountable few. I like to think that it will, that I am strong enough. I survived teenagehood and a secular university unscathed. I have not yet fallen down the path of rebellion which many Christians wander along at some point in their lives, if even for a little while. And so this continual fear hangs over my head every time I'm presented with a new challenge in my life. Will this be the time that I fall?

Only time will show my faith for what it really is, but I ask all my friends to uphold me in prayer. It seems almost a selfish request, that I should be spared when others aren't. Yet surely there is not harm in it: May I be spared once again.

As we sang this chorus this morning, I found the hope and strength I needed to allay these fears for a time, real though they may be:

If I rise on the wings of the dawn,

If I rest on the far side of the sea,

Even there, your arms will keep me warm,

Even there, your loving hand is sure to guide me.

The wings of a plane; an island, not only on the far side of the sea, but of the world; a place that will be far colder than anything I am used to. The words could not be more appropriate, had someone written the song especially for me. And what makes them extra special, is that the first two lines come straight from scripture (Psalm 139).I think this ought to become my key refrain, the words I say as I wake and sleep.

From your Spirit where can I go,

From your presence where can I flee,

You are there in the oceans far below,

I go up to the heavens,

You are there beside me.

You have searched and you see,

All of me, all of me,

I will give willingly,

All of me, all of me.

Oh, may those last two lines be true. Not only for the next two years, but for the rest of my life.

The next song we sang was equally appropriate:

I'm so secure,

You're here with me,

You stay the same,

Your love remains,

Here in my heart

So close, I believe

You're holding me now

In your hands I belong,

You'll never let me go.

May I feel and know the security I have in the Lord, and may I always stay safe 
in His hands.

The term is over!

Quite literally this time round. After four and a half years of studying at the same University, yesterday closed that chapter of my life.

As I left the exam hall yesterday evening, it occurred to me that the next exam I write will be in Oxford. Oxford! The idea still brings chills (both figurative and literal ;-)). I've referred in previous posts to going to Oxford as as a dream, but the dream is fast becoming a reality. I have four months to get everything ready. The thought of packing is especially scary. How do I decide what to take and what to leave behind? Do I buy stuff here and take it over, or wait and buy stuff there? So many questions, so much to do, but I am excited, and nervous and petrified O.O and impatient (all at the same time).

I'll never forget UKZN, even if I am in that beautiful place called Oxford. I'll miss my musty office, the winding passages of MTB, the clinical rooms of Shepstone, the freezing Classics museum, and most of all the beloved Library. That library was my second home and place of refuge for the first two years (before I had my own office), the views of the harbour and city were my constant companions (and what beautiful views they were). And the books in that Library. One of the first and most exciting things I discovered there was a three-volume complete set of The History of Middle Earth. After years of searching for the various volumes - there they were just sitting on the shelves. As I advanced in my studies I lost count of the number of books I borrowed. Even if they were (my lesser preference) non-fiction books, they contained treasure troves of Classical and Linguistic information. Some of those books (like the Loeb transtlations) hadn't been taken out in 30 years. Some weren't on the electronic system - but they were precious, and I always felt a thrill, leaving that Library with another treasured book (or pile of books) in my hands.

Then there's my lecturers, classmates, colleagues, students and friends. I'll miss them the most, but that's for another post on another day.

That stage of my life is over, and a new one awaits. New (and probably older) hallways, new libraries, new colleagues and friends. A new chapter is starting, even better than the one before, and I can't wait to live it...

Dear Lord, I praise you for the life you have given me and the adventures I have faced. Please keep me strong as a prepare for the next adventure. Be my guide and my light, and keep me safe by your side as I venture into the unknown. Never let me slip out of your hands, for you are my strength and salvation.

Living in the aftermath

So it's been a week. Only a week? It feels far longer. The pain is far less, I don't start crying every time I think of it. I've even been able to tell some people. Okay, email makes it easy 'cause you don't have to look them in the eyes, and you don't have to watch their awkward response. But I was able to tell at least one person in person - and it wasn't as hard as I thought.

But I think I was right that some people wouldn't see it the way I do. The responses I've had are encouraging - sort of. But not everyone shows the same warmth and comfort. They don't get my implication that this might be God's will for me. I should have expected it, but it makes things harder. It raises doubts. They want me to keep trying, to look harder. Or to rethink my career path completely. Now what do I do? It's confusing.

And another thing is worrying me. Sometimes I wonder if this is all just a test. If God is wanting me to give up my dream and surrender to him, and then he'll give it back to me. Like with Abraham and Isaac. And then I feel guilty for thinking like this. If the only reason I am surrendering, is in the hope of getting it back - then it's not real surrender. Besides, the slightest hope that a miracle could happen, makes it impossible for me to give it up entirely. And so I sit, clinging on to that last shred of hope. Unwilling to give it up. My stubbornness will probably cost me more pain in the end.

Besides, as the days tick by, the chance of an alternate scholarship wanes. I guess I could try again next year - but I'm not sure I can go through all the pain of rejection a second time. I'm trying to imagine alternate options - but none of them satisfy.

It hurts the most when I look ahead. No one can see the future - but I had developed a nice rosie picture of how the latter half of this year would look. I can still see it - but then I have to remind myself that it was all just a dream, and underneath the rosie dream I try to see the grim reality - but it looks cold and insipid and tasteless.

Oh how ungrateful a servant I am. I've been so blessed, and spared from so much pain. Yet I allow this one hurt to tear at me. I know I shouldn't and yet in someway it's my only comfort. It almost feels good feeling sorry for myself - wallowing in my own self pity. I know it's wrong, and I don't know what else to do, how else to feel.


Lord, please save me from myself. Show me the light. Help me to let go completely - not because it will give me the result I want, but because it will bring the result I need. Please work in my heart, transform my heart. Help me to see past my own selfishness and my own pride - to the truth that lies beyond. Help me to surrender. Break the chains of stubbornness which weigh me down. May I live no longer for my pleasure - but rather for your will. Heal the wounds and show me the better dream - the better reality which you have designed for my life.

This request I bring in the name of Jesus. My saviour and Lord. Amen.

When a dream dies

"Living in the aftermath" was written during a time of grave dissapointment. "Seed's, death and fruit" was the expression when (against all hope) that disappointment was removed. For both posts to really make sense, you need to have read the following. Also, you probably need to know me and a bit about my circumstances. Because the first post on my blog, doesn't really make sense in the absense of this, I now present a link to the piece to which it was really the sequel:
When a dream dies