Friday, 29 April 2011

Living in the aftermath

So it's been a week. Only a week? It feels far longer. The pain is far less, I don't start crying every time I think of it. I've even been able to tell some people. Okay, email makes it easy 'cause you don't have to look them in the eyes, and you don't have to watch their awkward response. But I was able to tell at least one person in person - and it wasn't as hard as I thought.

But I think I was right about my lecturers. They don't see it the way I do. The responses I've had are encouraging - sort of. But they lack the warmth and comfort others have shown. They don't get my implication that this might be God's will for me. I should have expected it, but it makes things harder. It raises doubts. They want me to keep trying, to look harder. Or to rethink my career path completely. Now what do I do? It's confusing.

And another thing is worrying me. Sometimes I wonder if this is all just a test. If God is wanting me to give up my dream and surrender to him, and then he'll give it back to me. Like with Abraham and Isaac. And then I feel guilty for thinking like this. If the only reason I am surrendering, is in the hope of getting it back - then it's not real surrender. Besides, the slightest hope that a miracle could happen, makes it impossible for me to give it up entirely. And so I sit, clinging on to that last shred of hope. Unwilling to give it up. My stubbornness will probably cost me more pain in the end.

Besides, as the days tick by, the chance of an alternate scholarship wanes. I guess I could try again next year - but I'm not sure I can go through all the pain of rejection a second time. I'm trying to imagine alternate options - but none of them satisfy.

It hurts the most when I look ahead. No one can see the future - but I had developed a nice rosie picture of how the latter half of this year would look. I can still see it - but then I have to remind myself that it was all just a dream, and underneath the rosie dream I try to see the grim reality - but it looks cold and insipid and tasteless.

Oh how ungrateful a servant I am. I've been so blessed, and spared from so much pain. Yet I allow this one hurt to tear at me. I know I shouldn't and yet in someway it's my only comfort. It almost feels good feeling sorry for myself - wallowing in my own self pity. I know it's wrong, and I don't know what else to do, how else to feel.


Lord, please save me from myself. Show me the light. Help me to let go completely - not because it will give me the result I want, but because it will bring the result I need. Please work in my heart, transform my heart. Help me to see past my own selfishness and my own pride - to the truth that lies beyond. Help me to surrender. Break the chains of stubbornness which weigh me down. May I live no longer for my pleasure - but rather for your will. Heal the wounds and show me the better dream - the better reality which you have designed for my life.

This request I bring in the name of Jesus. My saviour and Lord. Amen.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Dear, dear Ajnos, this is truly where you must choose to TRUST. He knows the plans He has for you, and in His sovereignty, no one can thwart Him. He will truly use it ALL--the confusion, the questions, the doubts, your weaknesses--to bring it about. He is your GOOD Shepherd, and He knows the path. The only way you'll get through this thick fog is by clinging that much more tightly to Him--for even the night is as bright as the day to Him. I have been and will continue to pray for you, dear one! *snugs* from Violamom. :-) <><

becauseofHim said...

I sympathize with finding it difficult to truly let go of your dream, instead clinging to the hope that a miracle will happen. And it does feel good in its own way to wrap oneself in self-pity. God has already shown much work in you in that you see where you are struggling and are turning to Him for help. I know the day will come when you will look back and praise Him for this.

Gracious is the LORD, and righteous; Yes, our God is merciful. For I know that the LORD is great, and our Lord is above all gods. Whatever the LORD pleases He does. All things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. As for God, His way is perfect; the word of the Lord is proven; He is a shield to all who trust in Him. He does great things which we cannot comprehend. As for the Almighty, we cannot find Him; He is excellent in power in judgment and abundant justice; He does not oppress. "For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor your ways My ways," says the LORD. "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts." The refining pot is for silver and the furnace for gold, but the Lord tests the hearts. The LORD will perfect that which concerns me; Your mercy, O LORD, endures forever; do not forsake the works of Your hands. But what things were gain to me, these I have counted loss for Christ. 8 Yet indeed I also count all things loss for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them as rubbish, that I may gain Christ 9 and be found in Him, not having my own righteousness, which is from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which is from God by faith; 10 that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death.

Ps 116:5, Ps 135:5-6, Job 37:5,23, Is 55:8-9, Ps 138:8, Ph 3:7-10